I have lately been accused of making up porn titles to suit the content of my rant. Actually, I think of what I want to talk about in my rant and then see if a title suits it. One of the guys I used to work with had the job of naming porn movies at one point in his porn career. Basically you get stoned and think of the most goofy arrangements of words in the semi-English language ("Sperm of the Moment"). This was for those dime-a-dozen movies that got made at a rate of about 3 a week - the big productions with the big stars and fancy directors had titles already, and those are usually a bit more serious, like "The Life" and "Paradise". Often the cheapies are just named after the primary focus, like "Blow Me Sandwich" and "Ass Cleavage". Some of my favorites are the Japanese titles, which tend to lose something in the translation, kind if like Top Ramen instructions ("Monsoonial Moistures"). So what will go with my rant today? SWEET IMAGINATION

I went on a job interview at The Container Store. Have you guys checked that place out? Talk about finding a niche and filling it - those guys were brillliant. Every possible storage, shelving, shipping, and gift wrap solution imaginable. Plus they have shoehorns. How long has it been since you've seen (or USED) a shoehorn? 10 kinds of lint brush. All kinds of fancy-dan hangers. Every color of little plastic box. Hexagonal shipping boxes. Gift bags with maribou feather handles. Spiffy trash cans. Metro shelving. And I only got through one side of the store. Dang. Get your mojo working for me cause this place is the coolest! IN MY BOX

I have a friend who is so artistic and sensitive and right-brained, the programs "Photoshop" and "Illustrator" are all the newest and latest greatest thing. He got thrown out of his first Photoshop class so he could go learn Windows first, and is now on his fifth try at Photoshop. He says at least he isn't holding up the train anymore. How could I know all of you and still be able to find somebody like him? COMPUTERIZED SEX CRAVINGS

Sometimes you just overhear such a good thing it stays with you all day. Overheard in the Post Office line yesterday: Some women said hello to a young man they knew and asked him if he'd like to go ahead of them; if he was in a hurry. His answer? "Oh. no. I've got plenty of time. I just got a new watch!"
CLOCKWORK ORGY
'Nuf said.

I have been trying to keep my war news viewing down to 15 minutes a day or less. The Fox News Network has the best coverage - more variety at least, except I don't like the reporter who looks like one of the marionettes from "Thunderbirds". CNN shows the same sad sacks over and over, pretending it's something new. ABC has one of the cutest on-site reporters but I can't remember his name.We are an interesting bunch - able to watch a war blow-by-blow, and be informed of every possible spin on every possible story. I was pretty creeped out right at the beginning, the morning they attacked the maybe-it's-Saddam-group, when they kept the camera trained on the same part of Baghdad, waiting for something to happen. All I could think about was - here we are spying with our little eye on a place on the other side of the world, and all that is happening is that the dawn is making all the birds sing, and the dogs are barking at the loud bangs. I heard trucks driving by, and the sounds of folks stirring to life in the wee hours. It could have been anywhere, could have been us.
WAR WHORES

I have to run an ad this week. Some of you know that I am a quilter, and if you want to see what the heck that's all about, come to the San Francisco Quilter's Guild Quilt Show, Symphony of Color, this weekend at the concourse on 8th and Brannan. Saturday 10 - 5, Sunday 10 - 4 (I'll be there that day) $8 to get in. Lots of exhibits. Lots of cool fabric artistry. I have 2 quilts in the show. COVER TO COVER

Trust me, I have nothing against riding a bicycle and in fact have one I love very much named Wind Frog (don't ask). I need to make a comment here, though. I drive through the Presidio and over the GG Bridge every day and see lots of people on bikes. Is it REALLY necessary to dress yourself like you are participating in the Tour de France just to take a nice bike ride on a sunny day? I can't help but look for registration numbers on these people. I understand EQUIPMENT - I have a helmet and gel-padded gloves and a gel seat and a water-bottle holder (with a green plastic Tweety Bird water bottle from Great America). However, a pair of leggings, or jeans with a ribbon around the ankle and a denim jacket usually do the trick. Maybe a sweatshirt if it is chilly. Or maybe a tank top if it is hot. I refuse to lay out a bunch of cash to emblazon myself with gaudy bike wear covered with logos (although I do kinda dig those flourescent jackets with the vented pits). If the manufacturers want me to be a billboard for them they can just give me the stuff and pay me to wear it. BUTT BANGED BICYCLE BABES

When I was 18 I went with my friend Donna (who I still know) to see our first porno movie. It was a little theater in Chino, a cowboy town southeast of the pastoral town of Claremont, where we lived. We were very excited and felt very naughty. The first feature was a ridiculous biker sort of thing, with phony sex (floppy limp ones banging away at nothing) and we felt kind of gypped. The next feature came on and we simultaneously said, "OOOooh,,,, mmmyyyyyyy....". You get the drift. The real thing. Close-ups of the pink. Early breast implant scars. The Works. I have been looking for this movie for a long time as a nostalgic souvenier of a more innocent time, and it is out on DVD now. I am thrilled. As soon as I have an extra $11.95 + S/H, it is MINE! Move over, Ms. Funicello and Mr. Avalon - it's time for BEACH BLANKET BANGO!

Oh no you don't - just a little LATE!! I had to pick up a rental car cause some little tipsy girl smacked into my car. Loud enough for the boys in the hood to wander over. Not a scratch on either of us. Good thing she left her number though cause my steering got knocked out of alignment. A couple days over the GG Bridge holding on REALLY TIGHT. Of course the parts didn't come in on time etc. and the coolest thing is that the guy from the body shop is paying for a car for me for the day so I can get to my job tomorrow. Everybody with body damage go see Eric Deo at Stan Carlson Body Shop on Frederick Street in the Haight. Good guy. CRASH OF THE TITANS

Nuttin' today.

I'm beaming lika a proud parent - an orchid I raised from a three-inch baby is blooming! Tiny little fringed yellow orchids, delicate and lovely. Several of these blooms in a cluster. What a thrill! My orchids tend to be pretty idle. I have only ever had one re-bloom from when I bought it, and the bloom was a mutant, so this one was especially cool since it had never bloomed in it's life. I have some orchids I think might be dead but it can be hard to tell because they can all of a sudden show green bits again. I was always semi-afraid of orchids until an orchid grower described the best care technique as "benign neglect". Well, I can definitely do THAT!!! Piece o' cake.
FLOWER KONNDOUMIKA

We are having our bathrooms repaired and retiled (in non-matching to the original color tile) by our Chinese landlady's brother-in-law. At least we think that's what he is. I don't believe he is actually a contractor of any kind but it seems like his skills have improved since he taped all the pipes together at some point in the history of the house. The landlady is choosing to ignore that all the fences on the property are lying in the yard, and instead chooses to complain about the way we prune the pine tree, and about the sink that was cracked at least 10 years ago. She swears that a toilet that we complained about running never ran in the other house she installed it in (I guess 70 gallons a month doesn't consitute "running") but since we replaced that toilet ourselves with a "flush-it-six-times-at-least low-flow" model the point is moot. Anyway, I won't get to take a shower for a while. Too bad I work in public. PORCELAIN CHINA VAGINA

Events like the shuttle disaster always creep me out because I can't help but wonder how long they knew they were going to die before they did. I'm sorry, I can't help it, too many Irwin Allen movies. Morbid, horrible, all that. I'm sure it will be revealed to me in a made-for-TV movie soon enough. Exciting visual effects of astronauts bursting into flames and shooting like tiny comets into the atmosphere. Would be nice to know they burst into these kinds of flames first: LUST IN SPACE

I'm sure you've all noticed that our President Dubya has really skinny lips.Which makes his self-righteous little sneer all the more infuriating. I think this was one of the few State of the Onion addresses I have actually watched and I was kinda sorry, but mostly I felt really sorry for the attendees, who had to stand up and sit back down again more times than at a Catholic Easter Sunrise Service. That speech would have been fifteen minutes long but I guess they need to fill an hour so they tell everybody to give a long standing ovation after every sentence uttered by The Man. Anyway, Dubya's lips are not the ones referred to here, but you get the drift: ORIFICE POLITICS

Times are tough, folks. Yesterday I had to empty the piggy bank and use one of those noisy but cool Coinstar machines to cash it out so I could buy groceries. I'm working why?? Money. Not ENOUGH. Looking for a job again. Ever cruise the Craigslist "Etcetera" jobs postings? Paid Session Gin Drinkers 27-39 Yrs Old, Regular and Premium (Alan????), Healthy Male Volunteers $$$$$$$ for Cancer Prevention Study , Paid Research VIDEO GAME PLAYERS Males 14-35, Cold Sore Study, Overactive Bladder 18+, On Camera Latin Film Studies Host.... I never qualify. Title: THE THINGS WE DO FOR MONEY

Last night we heard that horrible thrilling sound that can only mean metal on metal at great force. We ran outside (me to make sure it was not my Bonny that had been the victim) and here was the scenario: One late model silver something completely smashed up one whole side, tires flattened, front bumper sticking out like a broken femur, looking all kind of melted; and another car that had been walloped with such force that it had been spun into a very proper spot in someone's driveway. About a quarter of a block down was a car in the middle of the street that was completely flipped over, one headlight burning into the night. One of those things that you look at and assume anyone inside had to be dead dead dead. Interestly enough, the two passengers (one male, one female) had FLED THE SCENE ON FOOT, leaving nothing but mayhem in their wake. Will I ever read about it in the news? I don't read it so probably not, but would be interesting to see what the outcome was. Mostly lots of insurance headaches. Anyway, in honor of the shitstorm, here is today's title: ENEMAS AND ACCIDENTS

I'm such a slacker - Robot has to send me angry offline messages every week to get me off my butt and find a title. Anyway I have been having an 80's nostalgia week and downloading lots of Heaven 17 and Ultravox. Here's a reminiscent title for ya:

THE T AND A TEAM

Come Play with my Snowballs

Santa's Cummin'
(ho ho ho)

EVERLASTING KNOB GOBBLERS (well, gobble is kind of related to turkeys...or...maybe they will show Willy Wonka this weekend!)