Okay, so THIS is my idea of porn. Yowza.


Anyone who is a "Sean Connery is the only Bond" snob needs to see Casino Royale. Not that I don't love Mr. Connery and always have, but Mr. Craig can definitely put a big dent in that armor.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Down, girl!

Who needs porn when you can go online and get a shot of the nubile young Britney's snatch?

Ew.

SHAMELSS SELF-PROMO #13,298: (and porn)

Get a head start on your gift shopping and help support some starving artists. Mark your calendars for the first weekend in December and come to the 14th annual Fogbelt Studio Holiday Art and Craft Sale. 26 local artists will be selling their wares for reasonable prices - too much stuff to mention all at once. One guy last year came up to us and said he was really mad. We were, of course, alarmed, and asked him why. "Because I didn't know about this until now!!" he declared, arms loaded up with stuff. We were relieved. I will be selling fabric bookmarks, fun and very intoxicating cat toys (ask Buster), and whatever else I can sew up in time. This is one of the best sales I have not only participated in, but shopped at. Check it out!! (there's doorprizes and snax...)

Friday, 12/1 - 12 to 8
Saturday 12/2 10 to 6
Sunday 12/3 12 to 6

2528 25th Avenue between Ulloa and Vicente (it's a house)

JAPANESE ART PUSSY MASTER (good name for a cat toy!)

I think politicians should be fined huge amounts if they print more than one propaganda sheet per election. Same with folks who put all that crap on the ballot. I don't know about you, but I got a tree's worth of paper every day for weeks that I threw away without so much as a glance. Not to mention the phone books for state and local ballot stuff and the five double-sided pages of ballot. Can we have a little environmental responsibility here? Yeesh.

Thank heaven the election wasn't a bust like the last few. Go Nancy go!

MARY CAREY FOR GOVERNOR

So I have finally figured out a way for me to have Halloween candy leftovers. Both my housemates have really bad teeth! So I will make sure my contributions from now on are Abba Zabba, Laffy Taffy, Chewy Sweet Tarts, Look, Sugar Daddy, Big Hunk...... bwah ha ha

So I'm crushin' a little bit on Rob Zombie these days. I see him once in a while on horror movie scare fest countdowns or Criss Angel's show and he seems like a pretty okay guy. I've only seen one of his movies so far and it didn't make a lick of sense but I have Devil's Rejects on my Netflix list just for fun. I got a cd with a bunch of stuff on it and practically drove off the road banging my head to More Human Than Human. I told my kid sister that even her ole' sis needs to bang her head and drive too fast once in a while.

Zombie porn:
PORN OF THE DEAD

Missed my post cause it was my b'day yesterday. I went to my Mom's house on the condition that she let me watch the Project Runway Finale, which she did so I was a happy girl. I am not as squeaked by Jeffrey's neck (my sister and I just call him "boyfriend" because I had a dream about him early on wherein he was not my boyfriend but you know how these rumors get started) as Bee is, partly because I have seen worse, and it's not like boyfriend is so handsome that he has ruined himself, plus it's a tribute to his beloved baby boy. It does make his neck look huge, though. Maybe he did it there cause it was a good-sized canvas. Although I will never be thin enough to wear any of the Runway items, I would happily wear just about anything of Uli's and quite a bit of boyfriends (although at that point I would be accused of being age inappropriate). Excellent b'day all around and I still have events/gifts/cake coming up. Love the b'day week/month/as long as I can stretch it out.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMO #2,976

My Hawaiian choral group, Na Leo Nahenahe, is performing this Sunday, October 15th:

Where: Lake Merritt United Methodist Church

1330 Lakeshore Avenue

Oakland, CA

When: 4:00 P.M.

Admission: $15 at the door

We are having some great special guests, including little kids doing hula, which is the best thing ever. Also slack key guitar, more hula, and singers besides us. Come get some aloha! You won't be sorry!

TROPICAL COCK-TALE

Alas, everything in my life seems to be pending....
more news and hopefully porn next time!

Sorry, no porn today. I've got some new guy who likes to talk dirty with me via IM and he took all my blog/porn time away. Plus the finale of Rockstar (I guess I need to assume next time that the guy I dislike from the get-go is going to win) and a great episode of Project Runway and my night is done. So, sorry.

Anybody out there got a new job for me that pays more than diddly-squat?

I have been a little bit immersed in magic stuff lately. I read a book called Not in Kansas Anymore, about how magic is changing America - pretty good and I got a lead on a great witch store near Santa Rosa. Magic in that context was not the illisionary kind but the spiritual kind. Next I read The Prestige, which is coming out as a movie soon with the dually yummalicious cast of Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman, plus David Bowie will be playing Nikola Tesla. My sister got me the book a long time ago and I guess I had read it but didn't remember enough to put it down as an "I read this one" so enjoyed it a second time. In the middle of that, I went to see The Illusionist, which was wonderful. Edward Norton is so subtle. Now I'm reading a book called Brimstone.
Sensing a trend?


SEX MAGICIAN


p.s. I have to rant that I am horrified that John Mayer is dating Jessica Simpson. Somehow thought he would go for more substance.

Well, I sent this to Linky-Loo but perhaps he thought it too porn-ish for his column. No worries. So here is a magic trick you'll never forget. Speakers on. Your nekkid girl fix o' the week. (for the squeamish, this is not really porn)

Better life, wax-end.
Better success, whitish-cream.

Better future, wreck-raising.

Better health, nimble-stepping.

(with a nod to LLMB for alerting me to the poetic possibilities of spam)

Buster sleeps head-to-head with me, pretty much, either curled up on my shoulder with his head on my cheek, or in my armpit/nook area. This morning he was in the nook, and I opened my eyes to find him just lying there gazing at me. Is a kitty's thoughts really like the old cartoon of a cat looking in a corner and the thought bubble is the corner? or is there a thought process? Is he thinking of how he'd really love to bite my chin, or when will I get up to get his breakfast, or just studying me like I study people I love when they are sleeping? Until he learns to speak as well as understand English, I guess I'll never know.

KUNG POW KITTY

Between Rockstar:Supernova eliminations and Project Runway on Wednesday nights I can't seem to remember my blog duties. Sorry!

I had something to say and forgot. As the saying goes "must have been a lie".

I'll try to do better next week....

Shameless self promo #137:

Come see me and my singing group, Na Leo Nahenahe, at the Aloha Festival this Saturday at 11:30 a.m. The festival goes on for 2 days, so even if you miss Na Leo, come check it out - booths, music, dancing, food, free admission. It is at the Presidio Parade Grounds, out there in front of the Officer's Club.

Check out this nice article in SF Gate, with a podcast.

It's summer!!!! 'Nuff said...

I'm kinda busy this week, lots of getting home lates. Didn't think about my rant. My only rant is against the people who walk into Joanns with the blackest of dark glasses on then can't see what you're pointing them toward. Where is it? Here? Here? Did you say this way? I was looking for green, is there any green? (Six shades of it in front of their face) Do these colors go together?

Take off your goddam sunglasses, ya geek!!!

Last week I decided to return to hula after a three-and-a-half year absence. I had seen a picture of my kumu and just missed him too much. It was great! Everyone remembered me and welcomed me back. I'm starting over, but that's okay - my hips are creaky.

The Aloha Festival is the first weekend of August, the 5th and 6th. It is in the Presidio at the parade grounds, and is free. It is two days of Polynesian music, dance, food, booths. My singing group, Na Leo Nahenahe, performs Saturday at 11:30 - come check it out!

MIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN

Hey all - hope you had a fun and fiery 4th!

In lieu of porn, I give you this dirty little ditty courtesy of ex-Westerner Wendy Miller:

http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/do_you_take_it.htm

Since I am at work and on dial-up, no porn pictures today.

I do have a non-porn movie review, though, unless scary movies are your porn. I watched "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" the other day. Bad title for a pretty rockin' movie. Good acting, no supernatural effects such as head-spinning and whatnot - nothing a human couldn't do under the right circumstances. You never REALLY know if it's really demons or if she is just seriously cukoo for cocoa puffs. But I have to say, I don't scare easy and I was pretty wound up. 3 a.m. will never be the same. Check it out.

Somehow I wound up with a magazine subscription to FHM (For Him Magazine). According to the label I am good until May of 07. Can't figure that one out, since the only thing I have subscribed to lately is Bon Appetit, and also because I am not a Him. Anyway, it has semi-naked girls romping around. Very tame, actually, which is kind of sexier, like Playboy used to be but not as innocent. Lots of porn stars. I do like one feature they have where people send in pictures where some unknown interloper has horned in to the shot. Sometimes the interlopers will be later identified by a reader, which is kind of awesome. They also have pics of wierd stuff people have captured with the cell phone cameras. Maybe someday the mystery will be solved, but until then these mags will pile up until I can pass them on to Manny.

My ultra-short vacation was a lot of fun. My sister's ex turned up at Dad's party wearing a shirt with his face and signature on it so it was kind of like Dad was there. My sister pretty much despises her ex, even though he is pretty great, so it was nice to re-connect with him. A lot of folks were there I had never met, my Dad's students, co-workers and customers. Many of them had heard of me through the years and it was nice to know Dad talked about me. My sister got delicately ever-so-tanked, and some of my stepmom's cronies got not-so-delicately tanked (taking incriminating photos of a passed-out buddy and such). One of my dad's buds brought a gallon pitcher of martinis with a giant martini glass full of olives (sorry ya missed it. Alan!). Excellent food, with piles of leftovers so vast even I brought some home in my little cooler.

Anyway, Harris Ranch Inn was pretty bitchin' - I hit the pool about 9 pm when I got in and it was perfect.



Okay, now my rant. I've been bottling this up for a long-ass time. The other night I was innocently watching America's Funniest Home Videos and they were showing a kid's birthday party. Suddenly, one kid gives a little belch and becomes a firehose of puke. He puked so much that he put his hand up and it was just deflected into a fountain. I was about to eat a nacho. This scene gave me pause, then pissed me off. When did it become okay to have puke scenes, either real or fictional, on every damn tv show and in every damn movie??? Was the puke scene in "Parenthood" such a hit that the studios said, "Hey! People love puke! Let's put it in everything!"? I freakin' HATE it. I guess when you've had kids or whatever, seeing someone barf is old hat, but I know there have to be other people out there that aren't diggin' it. Every cop show (mutilated body? puking cop), every medical show (a no-brainer), even the reality shows are getting on the bandwagon. I personally don't like to puke. The whole time I was a drunk I managed to avoid it. What's next? Peeing? Pooping? Ugh.

When I worked at the porn joint, my title o' the weekwas a movie they offered. They don't have it any more so I can't get the cover picture. There are several factions of fetishists who are into barf, but the most common is the "blow-job-induced-gag-and-puke" crowd. Just to be pronographically well-rounded, I downloaded some clips with Limewire, watched 'em, deleted 'em. Whatever...

VOMITORIUM

Getting ready to go to my Dad's wake. I am spending the night at Harris Ranch - full report next week.

TRAVELING FANTASIES



Love the description:
I'm Maki, I seem Like an ordinary girl, but out of the blue an experience that made me different!

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today....

I was in the hospital with acute pancreatitis, detoxing off of alcohol with vast quantities of Valium. Happy as a clam to be ridding myself of something that had turned out not to be such a good friend, after all.

Interesting to think that there is not one TNSC member who ever saw me with a real drink in my hand, although many of you have seen me with a beverage. People in my last 6 or so jobs have never seen me with a drink, but I have partied down with all of them.

Tonight I am going out with a fellow "friend of Bill W", who is celebrating 2 years. We and several of her friends are chowing down and then getting "chips", little plastic or metal pieces with numbers imprinted on them to represent years (or months, at first). I haven't been to a meeting in 7 years, since a different fellow friend took me to a lunchtime chip meeting to get my 13-year chip. But I remember the amazement I felt, and the hope, of seeing someone getting up to get their 20 year (or more) chips when I was still new and fragile. I want to repay that favor and maybe give another fledgling that same hope.

Please, have a really good drink tonight for me (I never got to have a Cosmo or a Mojito) - I still like to drink vicariously through my friends!

So I guess it is the end of an era.
Thanks for putting up with my rantings all these years - maybe we'll get to do it some more.
So, Cushie, good luck!
Keep in touch.
and...

LEAVE 'EM GAPING


P.S Buster is a year old today!!

My new passion is cooking. I am addicted to the website ecookbooks.com (Jessica's Biscuit) and the Food Network. My mission this weekend is to get some new pans. I have bookmarks on my computer for smoked salts and exotic sauces. I was a devotee of The Next Food network Star (my favorite won) and am currently avidly following Top Chef (my fave is in the top 3). I love watching knife skills, and turning food just by doing that little wrist-flip to the pan. I have always liked to cook, but got re-invigorated for some reason I'm not real sure how to pinpoint. Was it eating something really great and thinking, I need to know how to make this? Was it the Anthony Bourdain Les Halles cookbook that I got just because I like him but made me want to find veal bones for a demi-glace? I don't know. But I am rediscovering the joy of cooking (and I don't mean the book, even though I am glad it is in my library in case the world as we know it comes to an end and I need to learn how to skin and cook a squirrel). One really great thing is that my mom loves to cook, too, and we are planning some culinary adventures together. I still need to work on my organization, though. The other day I semi-burned a bunch of ingredients because I lost my can opener and had to run upstairs to figure out their electric one. I still haven't found my can opener.

SHE-MALE CHEFS

I'm kinda drawing a blank on the porn. Life is a bit dullish these days and there have been no events of interest to accompany a title. Buster is a big boy now, and will be a year old on May 10. He has kinda been the highlight lately, along with the re-emergence of the sun. I joined a Hawai'ian choral group (watch for us at the Aloha Festival the first weekend in August - we are called Na Leo Nahenahe). I got sent a box of Dad's stuff - some berets, a pocketknife, my report cards and some letters, a couple shirts. Reading a fun Dracula book called "The Historian". Getting back into cooking and am addicted to cookbooks and The Food Network. Trying to heal my leg with really painful excercises. Still haven't seen Manny's Red Bluff house. Making some baby quilts on commission. That's it. Have some fun outside!

I am depressed today because I caught a brief news bit about that the Canadian hunters are on their merry way to club and shoot approx. 325,000 baby harp seals. I thought we got rid of that damn senseless slaughter years ago. Crap.

Nothing else to say today, I guess.

Last night when I was about to do my rant, I got a call from my man. Hadn't seen him in a while, so I traded porn for a little fun time. However, it is quiet here today so I sneaked a peek at the porn title encyclopedia with no repercussions from some stuffy old biddy walking by at the wrong time.

I have to rant about the whole Barry Bonds steroid crap. I have never liked that mewling crybaby, who does he think he's kidding?, he should quit now, spend his bazillions of juicy dollars, and leave the true greats' records the hell alone. Hmph.

BAD NEWS BITCHES

Oops, late again.

Last night I forgot to blog cause I went to see V for Vendetta, which has a rant by V that is almost all words beginning with V and it actually makes sense. I was agog. Except for a couple of plot holes - how did she get clothes and who cut her hair - it was a fun movie, not ultra-effectsy but still over-the-top, kind of a romantic police procedural with future (or is it NOW??) politics. Some of you will like it and some of you will hate it. Can't be helped.

As you may have noticed in Tonight, not a lot of summitting was done at the summit, but I sure saw a lot of folks I haven't seen in a long time and managed to remember a lot of names. Fortunately, the majority is named Matt.

Josh suggested a Porn Quilt. I'm mulling.....

Sorry I've been a slacker. Been preoccupied with the Dad thing.

Last Friday we went out on a boat and mixed his ashes in with the ocean. Well, we were in the L.A. harbor due to high swells past the lighthouse, but close enough. We gave him See's Scotchmallows, See's Bridge Mix, peanuts, and, of course, a martini. We were thinking about sharing a cigar and tossing it over but we thought Dad would be horrified by the waste of a good smoke, so his humidor contents will be passed around to his buddies. The seagulls were happy to see more than flowers being tossed and were having a grand old time. We saw a lazy sea lion on a buoy, the sky had stopped raining just in time and we had a beautiful stormy sky. We went to a fun restaurant he liked called North Woods (wish we had one here) and snarfed like we had never eaten. My Dad's brother was here from Ohio and when we dropped him at the airport I think we were all feeling like we would never see each other again, but we had such a grand time it's kind of okay.

I got to spend some real quality time with my stepmom and sister, so all was not lost. We played games and talked and knitted (just me and sis) and had some retail therapy and an Oscar party.

Later this spring there will be a real wake, with everybody. Can't wait.

No porn this week.

Thank Heaven for the Olympics. They are my current drug of choice. Loving every minute of it no matter who wins (with the possible exception of that imperious ass Bob Costas). I even like bitchy old Dick Button, trying to keep skating from turning into a sloppy inelegant mess. Johhny Weir is my new skating idol, a smart, attitude-ridden, faggy punk who brings beauty back to the boys. Fast Track Skating is my new favorite sport, with or without Apolo; I love the build-up of speed, the stolen leads, the treacherous turns, pivoting off their fingertips (I also find skeleton mighty thrilling but I haven't seen any yet). I know some people pooh-pooh the whole Olympics thing, but I have been an addict since Jean-Claude Killy stole my heart when I was twelve.

Okay, the surgeons who worked on these women need to have their licenses yanked, if they ever even had one.
MEGA-BOOB OLYMPICS

The time has come for me to tell you about my Dad, John. He died unexpectedly on Monday, but because he was facing a long haul of nursing homes and hospitals, it was a good time to go. Bad for us, but great for him. He died the way we would all like to, having a nap in front of a movie on the TV, his wife puttering in the kitchen.

For about the last 40 or so years of his life, my Dad was an accomplished potter and teacher. He was kind of a Rock Star teacher - people would line up at the doors of the admissions office before it opened so they could get in his classes. Beautiful and at the same time functional, his pots sold like hotcakes to devoted folks who also lined up early to gain entrance to his annual Christmas sales.

When my Mom and Dad were young and newly together, she measured his calves, and compared them to her waist. They were the same. He had amazing strong legs, and was a handsome college football player. His jobs varied from a menswear salesman, to a cooking fat salesman, to a night watchman at Schlitz, until his true calling of teaching took hold. He was in a jewelry class at San Fernando Valley State College when a guy asked if he'd like to be a teacher's assistant in ceramics at USC. A star was born. He became a teacher at USC, where he met my future Mean Old Step-Mother. After they got married, he obtained a much more lucrative position at Mount San Antonio Junior College, where he remained for 35 years, working 10 years past retirement.

How do you sum up a life? He had two wives, a daughter by each, a lovely home, a great career. Loved by innumerable people. He kept expressing his creativity even after his illness rendered him unable to work the clay, making abstract, colorful drawings. He liked to watch TV, and loved football. When all his girls were playing games in the dining room at Christmas, he would occasionally wander out to check on us during commercials or halftime, but rarely wanted to play with us. Most of the football I have watched has been with my Dad, eating peanuts in the shell on the coffee table. He also liked to sing and was in a barbershop quartet in his youth - a lovely tenor. I have memories of singing in the car with him as a kid - "I've Been Working on the Railroad" - he would take the harmony.

I was fortunate to have had a conversation with him several months ago during which he told me how much he loved me and was proud of me, and I did the same. We had a wonderful, perfect Christmas in December. He left no animosity, enemies, or unfinished business.

A martini drinker till the end, I think an obit on the TNSC page is more than fitting.

Here's to my Dad.

I really despise those new-fangled headlights that are appearing on all the cars now. The ones that make it easier to see where you are going, but singe the eyeballs of anyone approaching from the opposite direction with their icy icy brightness. The other day I had some schmo behind me who had those, so it was already bad enough that he was behind me, but he was a real idiot. I drive through the Presidio and around by the Palace of the Legion of Honor, which have momentary areas of darkness. I am not much for using my brights, especially when I drive a road every day and know it. This monster behind me decides that we need our brights, regardless of the fact that I was leading the way just fine, so he turned HIS on. That I am living to tell the tale is testament to my driving-while-blind-on-a-curvy-road skills. He did it TWICE. What a moron. Oh, and before you jump to the conclusion that I was being a sissy driver, I was driving at an acceptable and non-ticketable speed a bit over the limit (those Presidio cops are ruthless) on roads that are not designed for Speed Racer. Hmph.

Speaking of headlights,
TITTY-TITTY BANG-BANG

Not much going on this week - really busy, but boring stuff.

Had a mammogram a few weeks ago and had to go back. This is never relaxing news, and it was a slightly nerve-wracked week waiting for my appointment. I had to be at Kaiser before I am usually even awake, which added to my feeling of unease. Now, a normal mammogram is kind of like having your breast squished between two books - it is so generalized that although it is uncomfortable, it is not really painful. This time, they had to squish a very particular area, and it was more like being between a book and an average-sized fist. Ish ish ish. Then again, harder, with a really big fist. Oosh oosh oosh. Then wait, with a hospital gown on that is not really suited to being tied in the front (or, I imagine, the back). And wait. Finally, everything is okay, I can go home. Whew. The x-ray lady showed me the film of my original squish - there was a rather interesting dense area that was swirly, rather like a question mark. Pretty, in an odd way, but she had to make sure it wasn't really there.

In homage to my poor bazooms:
A BUSTFUL OF DOLLARS


except that the picture is of her BUTT. Hm.

I have to step on the toes of the Linky-Loo coordinator and give you this story of a lady and a dolphin. Not exactly porn but does leave one open to some interesting speculation.

My phone line is down until tomorrow so no porn again. It has been interesting to be so silent at home (went out on Saturday). Although I don't talk on the phone much, I like to know I CAN, and I am so used to going and looking things up online at the drop of a hat I realize how spoiled I've become.

Farewell, Bishop! and good luck with your new life. Everyone loved your calendars.

Happy New Year, everyone!