Well I hope you all had a good time and got lots of presents, whatever you were celebrating. I played Boggle for about a hundred hours, intermingled with Scrabble and Kismet (kind of like Yahtzee). Seems like not many people play games anymore and I was more than pleasantly surprised to find that my honey is into the Boggle/Scrabble thing. Plus we plan to learn chess, since he has a nice chess set, and the only time I played I beat the guy teaching me and he wouldn't play with me again. Talk about a sore loser. It is very pleasant to sit at the table with a snack, a beverage, and a loved one or two, with some Dean Martin Italian Love Songs on the stereo, and use the old gray matter to have fun. Also went to see Peter Pan, which was surprisingly dark and full of smoldering pre-teen hormonal action, and quite the cool Hook.
So here is your title. Please try not to live up to it completely in that you find yourself waking up with a hangover and the wrong sex from your orientation in your bed.

OK, enough grief already. I know I have been a slacker - mostly I never know what day it is until it's too late. Anyway, you all have fun this Christmas and I'll make it up to you next year.

What are YOU going to be for Hallowe'en??

AACK! I forgot! I'm at work, which is in a public place, so I can't forage for a good porn title. Sorry. I'll give ya two next week, how's that?

I voted for Dan. He got more than 2500 votes! Go Dan. Oh well. We'll see.
THE PENETRATOR

I'm struggling with a pulled hamstring. Ow. My left knee is a bit stiffish. I got one good excercise to do but if any of you have any ideas I'd love to know. JAPANESE PANTIES BELOW THE KNEES

Somebody who doesn't know me but knows I sew decided to farm my services out to some folks with chihuahuas that have piddling problems so can't be taken out into polite society. The pooch owners want little diapers made. Now, I have nothing against networking and all but this woman called me, a virtual stranger who is going to teach her how to sew, at 8:15 in the morning, on my day off. The message sounded like we had had a prior doggie diaper conversation so I thought she had me confused with someone else. But no, she just thought I could use a bit of work. Needless to say, I am going to pass on that one. I would have to measure the dogs and make prototypes, and they can buy them on the internet for much less. Mostly I just thought it was a bit presumptuous, especially calling before 10.
SHAVED POWDERED AND DIAPERED

Not much going on here. Went to hear my favorite new Hawaiian band, Na Palapalai, who were great, Read a book by TNSC Robot's fave, Joe R. Lansdale, and I can see the attraction. Otherwise the days are work, home, tv, read, sleep. Eat. Got a minor but painful and annoying hamstring injury. Boring. So this week I am reverting back to my old technique of just feeding you a goofball title.
MOULIN SPLOOGE

The other day I went on a job interview at Shane Company. I realized that Tom Shane is kind of a genius. I had never actually BEEN to a Shane Company store, but I have sure been aware of them forever. KFOG used to preface every Shane ad with a clip of a guy saying "It's that man again!". We all know that geeky voice, that ridiculous circular grammar ("give her a gift for which she will forever be grateful for" kind of thing). If those spots had been spoken by someone with a smooth radio voice, they would probably have been completely forgotten in moments. Anyway, the store was lovely, they have nice jewelry, and I'm sure they hated me. If I work there I will have to quash my personality and wear suits. Sorry, gang, I guess you won't have a friend in the diamond business.
JISM JEWELS

Not much going on. Come to my art show reception if you are anywhere near Pacifica on Sunday (see post from 7/9 for deets). Mostly I am just feeling that with all the bruhaha going on in the news, this is the best title: CLUSTERFUCK

California is a laughingstock once again....
ORIFICE POLITICS

Sometimes I go have McDonald's and sit outside at the mall near my work. I always share my fries with the birds out there, making sure everybody gets some. Yesterday there was a woman bird just really pissed at another bird - I couldn't tell if it was another woman bird or an immature man bird - not enough black feathers to be sure. So I don't know if this was a sex thing or what. Anyway, this pissed off bird was just hollering and spritzing her feathers all up and chasing the other bird around. I tossed them some fries - the bird being hollered at grabbed a piece. The mad bird tried to calm down but just sat on the fence getting madder by the second. Finally she could stand it no longer and she got on the ground and commenced her hollering again. The picked-on bird did a very interesting thing. He/she walked calmly over to the pissed bird. and put his/her fry right in her beak. Just handed it right to her. She calmed down right away, I gave him/her another fry, and all was right with the world again.
BI BI BIRDIE

Since I am too poor to go anywhere but work, I have another beach story. The beach is a block away so I don't have to use any gas to get there. You may have heard about the whale on the beach. I went to check it out. Ew ew ew ew ew. Head bitten mostly off, various items hanging out of the holes. Chewed on big time. Lotsa sharks reportedly out in the waters (not many surfers, needless to say). The whale was getting knocked around by the tide, and eventually one of the holes broke open and blood came out. Did I mention it was decomposing? There were a jillion people out there, parents showing their kids the whale or paying homage to this great beast or whatever. One little girl got pretty close - a future marine biologist, or coroner more like. Mostly the kids were begging their parents to get them the hell away from the stench. I mean, if you want your kid to see a whale, a dead one on the beach is not quite the ticket. Just let the sharks have it.
IT DON'T MATTER...JUST DON'T BITE IT!

I was feeling a bit pent-up the other day so I went out to the beach and decided to plop down and build a sand castle. Had been a while. Didin't have any construction equipment so had to do it all manually (side note: there is a piece of construction equipment parked down the street made by Putzmeister - I mean, would you have faith in that??). It was a small but worthy structure, with a central dome on a square building, with small corner domes. It was moated in front and walled in the rear. For the recreation and convenience of the castle dwellers, the back yard had a pool, a hedge maze, a tennis court, and a vegetable garden. All in all a fine bit of construction, and even stood up to beng tramped on by an enthusiastic labrador. SANDY SEA SLUTS

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMO #3: I am having an art show this weekend and then for a month in Pacifica with my art group, Tangerine Arts. This weekend: Fogbelt Studio (it's a house) 2528 25th Avenue (between Ulloa and Vicente) Friday, 5 to 8:30, Saturday 12 to 6, and Sunday 12 to 6. In Pacifica at the Salada Beach Cafe at 220 Paloma (at Oceana) in Pacifica, from July 15th to August 17th, reception August 17th from 3 to 5:30. Come by if you can - I will be at Fogbelt on Sunday if ya wanna see me. The art monster really grabbed me this week and I was channelling art from some weird place. Painting with my face an inch from the canvas, scrubbing away, beads of sweat on my fevered brow. Got obsessed with feathers, painted lots of them. Where these things come from I'll never know. Last time this happened it was tornados. Got obsessed with tornados, made a few prints and a big painting, had cows flying around and such. About 3 weeks later I read a small press release announcing that Michael Crichton was making a movie about tornados. We all know what he did with the cows. I had been reading his book "Travels" which is a wonderful book and far from his usual potboily science thriller stories, siince it has to do with his travels both on the planet and into his own psychic self. Well I musta reached out to his psychic self and pulled out the tornado concept is all I can think. So if he comes out with a book or movie or something about Native American ritual magic I will be convinced there is a link. THE BEAUTIFUL MOON GOD AND HIS SEX MAGIC

Was looking for something pertinent to the current heat wave but found this instead:
YOUR CHEATIN' BUTT

Sorry. Worked late. Spaced out. SPACESHIP AGGA RUTER (huh?)

The beach is crazy right now. Zillions of those little purple things with little sails (not the jellyfish but if anybody knows what they are called please tell me) washed up so the whole beach looks lavender. Tiny little jellies the size of half-dollars, and slightly larger bells that look like they came out of those single-serving fluted Jell-o molds. I go ahead and pick them up - they are so pretty and transparent. Gazillions of teensy baby sand crabs lurking just under the surface of the sand, making their little air-holes and wiggling like mad if you dig at them. One dead sea lion that the crows were enjoying (have you noticed that the crows keep getting bigger every year?). Lots of sand dollars. A bulldozer on the never-ending fruitless quest to put the sand back in the water. The guy with the really long-tailed kite that he flies for hours on end, making spirals and loops . All this in one walk. BLACKENED BEACH WHORES

I have become an Animal Planet addict. One thing I have noticed (besides the alarming number of bird owners who let their birds peck food out of their open mouths) is that almost every kind of animal likes to play with a nice big bouncy ball. Not only the usual dogs and cats, but horses, camels, elephants, cows, bears, lizards, etc. Sometimes they get the kind with a handle on it and they just go bonkers - throwing it and shaking it and banging it around. Plus there is something very cool about a big ole' elephant sitting its butt on a ball in the water until the ball comes flying out - I remember doing that with inner tubes in the pool. How neat is it that there is a simple object in this world that can cause such universal joy? BEAR BALL

Two things:
Do you ever see a person who just intrigues the bejesus out of you in the "what the heck is their story" kind of way? I just went through that on the beach. A woman breezed past me and all I could see of her was the back. She was wearing a knee-length putty-colored fitted twill coat (I had on a tank top) and I could see a gorgeous skirt that looked like butter-yellow silk with a cream and silver border. Very fancy. She had on athletic shoes and white socks and was walking with a very purposeful, rolling stride. Her hair was past her shoulders and was dyed dark red, fading at the ends. Couldn't tell her age. Now, aside from being dressed too warmly and wearing a skirt too nice for the beach, and, oh almost forgot, not carrying a bag or anything (I had thought maybe she walked home from work via the beach but then the no purse aspect threw me), the thing that really compelled me to keep her in sight was this: She was wearing pantaloons. For those who don't know, pantaloons have not been a part of the American female dress code for about a hundred years. They are ankle-length, white cotton, lace-trimmed underpants. I followed her a long ways and she finally turned around but nothing was revealed. Probably my age or a bit older, dark glasses, thin, intent. A puzzle. THE UNDERWEAR AFFAIR (more)
Secondly, I had a scenario in a dream the other night that needs to be incorporated into a movie - the imagery was SO good. I dreamed I was in a big hall full of people, like a big theater, and everyone was making their way to a particular venue with much excitement. I followed along, thinking there was a cool band playing or something but when I got there I realized it was just a big dance floor with a DJ. What everyone was buzzing about and pushing their way onto the floor to experience, was that the club had manipulated the lighting so that everyone looked like they were in a black-and-white movie. They were all swing-dancing in ther gowns and suits, pretending to be movie stars. PHOTO FLESH

I recently started teaching some classes where I work and am having a really good time with it. So I decided to sign up to teach some other classes for an art studio starting this summer. My biggest fear, of course, is for everyone to figure out that I don't have a clue what I am talking about. I mean, I DO, but seem to have this niggling feeling that somewhere along the line one of my pupils will decide I am a sham. Then I get a surge of optimism and realize that as long as I know more than they do I will be okay. Therefore, I am frantically furthering my own education on the subjects I am teaching (quiltmaking, paper piecing, thread painting, and watercolor) so I can always be a atep ahead. Hmmm, is that the secret to being a good teacher? Always exploring and educating to pass the information along to those who put their creative faith in you? I suppose the outcome can be one of two things:
MY TEACHER IS MY MASTER - or - DEPRAVITY #1: DESTRUCTION OF A FEMALE TEACHER
p.s. anyone interested in class info can contact me at matadecoco2001@hotmail.com (more shameless self-promo)

One of the things I like about knowing people in the movie world is that sometimes I get taken to free movies. Sometimes I am glad they were free, like Episode 2. Sometimes the free aspect is a serious bonus, like tonight's adventure in the "screening" world. Not only one friend on the credits list (modelmaker Melanie Walas, who took me) but two at least! There it was right on the screen - "TNSC Robot"! I have to say that the credits were arranged for minimum readability - I might have known half the people there for all I know. Anyway, I know I don't have to tell you to go see it but I have to tell you that the Neo/Smith fight is one of the most preposterous, yet entertaining, scraps of digitally-enhanced celluloid yet. BLUE MATRIX

Totally forgot it was Thursday. It's a day off so it must be Wednesday, right? Oy, Schedule changes. I never know what the hell day it is anymore. PRIVATE VIRTUALIA #6 - LOST IN SEX

I have lately been accused of making up porn titles to suit the content of my rant. Actually, I think of what I want to talk about in my rant and then see if a title suits it. One of the guys I used to work with had the job of naming porn movies at one point in his porn career. Basically you get stoned and think of the most goofy arrangements of words in the semi-English language ("Sperm of the Moment"). This was for those dime-a-dozen movies that got made at a rate of about 3 a week - the big productions with the big stars and fancy directors had titles already, and those are usually a bit more serious, like "The Life" and "Paradise". Often the cheapies are just named after the primary focus, like "Blow Me Sandwich" and "Ass Cleavage". Some of my favorites are the Japanese titles, which tend to lose something in the translation, kind if like Top Ramen instructions ("Monsoonial Moistures"). So what will go with my rant today? SWEET IMAGINATION

I went on a job interview at The Container Store. Have you guys checked that place out? Talk about finding a niche and filling it - those guys were brillliant. Every possible storage, shelving, shipping, and gift wrap solution imaginable. Plus they have shoehorns. How long has it been since you've seen (or USED) a shoehorn? 10 kinds of lint brush. All kinds of fancy-dan hangers. Every color of little plastic box. Hexagonal shipping boxes. Gift bags with maribou feather handles. Spiffy trash cans. Metro shelving. And I only got through one side of the store. Dang. Get your mojo working for me cause this place is the coolest! IN MY BOX

I have a friend who is so artistic and sensitive and right-brained, the programs "Photoshop" and "Illustrator" are all the newest and latest greatest thing. He got thrown out of his first Photoshop class so he could go learn Windows first, and is now on his fifth try at Photoshop. He says at least he isn't holding up the train anymore. How could I know all of you and still be able to find somebody like him? COMPUTERIZED SEX CRAVINGS

Sometimes you just overhear such a good thing it stays with you all day. Overheard in the Post Office line yesterday: Some women said hello to a young man they knew and asked him if he'd like to go ahead of them; if he was in a hurry. His answer? "Oh. no. I've got plenty of time. I just got a new watch!"
CLOCKWORK ORGY
'Nuf said.

I have been trying to keep my war news viewing down to 15 minutes a day or less. The Fox News Network has the best coverage - more variety at least, except I don't like the reporter who looks like one of the marionettes from "Thunderbirds". CNN shows the same sad sacks over and over, pretending it's something new. ABC has one of the cutest on-site reporters but I can't remember his name.We are an interesting bunch - able to watch a war blow-by-blow, and be informed of every possible spin on every possible story. I was pretty creeped out right at the beginning, the morning they attacked the maybe-it's-Saddam-group, when they kept the camera trained on the same part of Baghdad, waiting for something to happen. All I could think about was - here we are spying with our little eye on a place on the other side of the world, and all that is happening is that the dawn is making all the birds sing, and the dogs are barking at the loud bangs. I heard trucks driving by, and the sounds of folks stirring to life in the wee hours. It could have been anywhere, could have been us.
WAR WHORES

I have to run an ad this week. Some of you know that I am a quilter, and if you want to see what the heck that's all about, come to the San Francisco Quilter's Guild Quilt Show, Symphony of Color, this weekend at the concourse on 8th and Brannan. Saturday 10 - 5, Sunday 10 - 4 (I'll be there that day) $8 to get in. Lots of exhibits. Lots of cool fabric artistry. I have 2 quilts in the show. COVER TO COVER

Trust me, I have nothing against riding a bicycle and in fact have one I love very much named Wind Frog (don't ask). I need to make a comment here, though. I drive through the Presidio and over the GG Bridge every day and see lots of people on bikes. Is it REALLY necessary to dress yourself like you are participating in the Tour de France just to take a nice bike ride on a sunny day? I can't help but look for registration numbers on these people. I understand EQUIPMENT - I have a helmet and gel-padded gloves and a gel seat and a water-bottle holder (with a green plastic Tweety Bird water bottle from Great America). However, a pair of leggings, or jeans with a ribbon around the ankle and a denim jacket usually do the trick. Maybe a sweatshirt if it is chilly. Or maybe a tank top if it is hot. I refuse to lay out a bunch of cash to emblazon myself with gaudy bike wear covered with logos (although I do kinda dig those flourescent jackets with the vented pits). If the manufacturers want me to be a billboard for them they can just give me the stuff and pay me to wear it. BUTT BANGED BICYCLE BABES

When I was 18 I went with my friend Donna (who I still know) to see our first porno movie. It was a little theater in Chino, a cowboy town southeast of the pastoral town of Claremont, where we lived. We were very excited and felt very naughty. The first feature was a ridiculous biker sort of thing, with phony sex (floppy limp ones banging away at nothing) and we felt kind of gypped. The next feature came on and we simultaneously said, "OOOooh,,,, mmmyyyyyyy....". You get the drift. The real thing. Close-ups of the pink. Early breast implant scars. The Works. I have been looking for this movie for a long time as a nostalgic souvenier of a more innocent time, and it is out on DVD now. I am thrilled. As soon as I have an extra $11.95 + S/H, it is MINE! Move over, Ms. Funicello and Mr. Avalon - it's time for BEACH BLANKET BANGO!

Oh no you don't - just a little LATE!! I had to pick up a rental car cause some little tipsy girl smacked into my car. Loud enough for the boys in the hood to wander over. Not a scratch on either of us. Good thing she left her number though cause my steering got knocked out of alignment. A couple days over the GG Bridge holding on REALLY TIGHT. Of course the parts didn't come in on time etc. and the coolest thing is that the guy from the body shop is paying for a car for me for the day so I can get to my job tomorrow. Everybody with body damage go see Eric Deo at Stan Carlson Body Shop on Frederick Street in the Haight. Good guy. CRASH OF THE TITANS

Nuttin' today.

I'm beaming lika a proud parent - an orchid I raised from a three-inch baby is blooming! Tiny little fringed yellow orchids, delicate and lovely. Several of these blooms in a cluster. What a thrill! My orchids tend to be pretty idle. I have only ever had one re-bloom from when I bought it, and the bloom was a mutant, so this one was especially cool since it had never bloomed in it's life. I have some orchids I think might be dead but it can be hard to tell because they can all of a sudden show green bits again. I was always semi-afraid of orchids until an orchid grower described the best care technique as "benign neglect". Well, I can definitely do THAT!!! Piece o' cake.
FLOWER KONNDOUMIKA

We are having our bathrooms repaired and retiled (in non-matching to the original color tile) by our Chinese landlady's brother-in-law. At least we think that's what he is. I don't believe he is actually a contractor of any kind but it seems like his skills have improved since he taped all the pipes together at some point in the history of the house. The landlady is choosing to ignore that all the fences on the property are lying in the yard, and instead chooses to complain about the way we prune the pine tree, and about the sink that was cracked at least 10 years ago. She swears that a toilet that we complained about running never ran in the other house she installed it in (I guess 70 gallons a month doesn't consitute "running") but since we replaced that toilet ourselves with a "flush-it-six-times-at-least low-flow" model the point is moot. Anyway, I won't get to take a shower for a while. Too bad I work in public. PORCELAIN CHINA VAGINA

Events like the shuttle disaster always creep me out because I can't help but wonder how long they knew they were going to die before they did. I'm sorry, I can't help it, too many Irwin Allen movies. Morbid, horrible, all that. I'm sure it will be revealed to me in a made-for-TV movie soon enough. Exciting visual effects of astronauts bursting into flames and shooting like tiny comets into the atmosphere. Would be nice to know they burst into these kinds of flames first: LUST IN SPACE

I'm sure you've all noticed that our President Dubya has really skinny lips.Which makes his self-righteous little sneer all the more infuriating. I think this was one of the few State of the Onion addresses I have actually watched and I was kinda sorry, but mostly I felt really sorry for the attendees, who had to stand up and sit back down again more times than at a Catholic Easter Sunrise Service. That speech would have been fifteen minutes long but I guess they need to fill an hour so they tell everybody to give a long standing ovation after every sentence uttered by The Man. Anyway, Dubya's lips are not the ones referred to here, but you get the drift: ORIFICE POLITICS

Times are tough, folks. Yesterday I had to empty the piggy bank and use one of those noisy but cool Coinstar machines to cash it out so I could buy groceries. I'm working why?? Money. Not ENOUGH. Looking for a job again. Ever cruise the Craigslist "Etcetera" jobs postings? Paid Session Gin Drinkers 27-39 Yrs Old, Regular and Premium (Alan????), Healthy Male Volunteers $$$$$$$ for Cancer Prevention Study , Paid Research VIDEO GAME PLAYERS Males 14-35, Cold Sore Study, Overactive Bladder 18+, On Camera Latin Film Studies Host.... I never qualify. Title: THE THINGS WE DO FOR MONEY

Last night we heard that horrible thrilling sound that can only mean metal on metal at great force. We ran outside (me to make sure it was not my Bonny that had been the victim) and here was the scenario: One late model silver something completely smashed up one whole side, tires flattened, front bumper sticking out like a broken femur, looking all kind of melted; and another car that had been walloped with such force that it had been spun into a very proper spot in someone's driveway. About a quarter of a block down was a car in the middle of the street that was completely flipped over, one headlight burning into the night. One of those things that you look at and assume anyone inside had to be dead dead dead. Interestly enough, the two passengers (one male, one female) had FLED THE SCENE ON FOOT, leaving nothing but mayhem in their wake. Will I ever read about it in the news? I don't read it so probably not, but would be interesting to see what the outcome was. Mostly lots of insurance headaches. Anyway, in honor of the shitstorm, here is today's title: ENEMAS AND ACCIDENTS

I'm such a slacker - Robot has to send me angry offline messages every week to get me off my butt and find a title. Anyway I have been having an 80's nostalgia week and downloading lots of Heaven 17 and Ultravox. Here's a reminiscent title for ya:

THE T AND A TEAM